My Struggles

 Our annual Christmas picture (2013).

Hello, patient friends!  If you've kept coming back to my blog over the last month looking for an updated post, you're faithful and forgiving. 

My absence has been, in part, needing a break during the busy holidays.  I felt challenged with a packed schedule and wanting to be present with my kids while they where home for Christmas break.  Lyssa just headed back to college on Friday and begins a new semester today.

The other reason for my absence is my own personal inner struggle to know if I'm still following God's leading to post a prayer daily.  I've waffled to know if I'm doing it with the right heart and if its making a difference anywhere, especially in my and my kids lives.  Doubt can often be a tool of the enemy to discourage and frustrate the one following God in obedience.  I also know the opposite is true and that doubt can lead us further into the arms of the One who knows us and loves us.  Lately, I think doubt has been a "gift" of the enemy.

My kids have come to the age where I've begun to fear if I've done enough in my parenting. Its almost like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I regret if I've peddled hard enough, took the right turns, and will come out the other side having said all that I've needed to say. The tunnel seemed really like a long journey in the beginning and I would have all the time in the world to prepare my kids for being adults, but now it feels like it's been just a blink of the eye and I wish I had done better.

I doubt if I've shared enough of Jesus.
I doubt if I gave them enough tools to work hard in their relationships with others.
I doubt if I taught them to work hard, give generously, and be content.
I doubt if I was hard enough, present enough, and loving enough.

Then I am reminded that this parenting this isn't all about ME (thank goodness!).  Its also about my kids and how well they've chosen to listen and learn.  And more importantly, it's about God and His work in my kids lives, despite my parenting gaps and deficits. 

I'm still struggling, but I'm trying to trust Him deeper.  I'm not sure what my blog will look like in the coming days or months, but I hope you'll forgive me, pray for me, and keep checking back if you're interested.  Over the years, this has been a therapeutic discipline, especially when I was prone to worrying about Alyssa and Kyle, and for some reason I can't just give it up completely.  Maybe it's because I know that I'm really not done parenting, nor ever will be, it's just changing.


I personalized this verse to make it my prayer.
"May the God of hope fill me with all joy and peace as I trust in him, so that I may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."  Romans 15:13 NIV